First thing when i came home was the thought that my toilet smelt funny. Time to do something about it.

It's drizzling out there. It befits the state of being. It's soothing as well. Just to hear the raindrops, the monotonous patter of it.

I smile a lot. I wonder why.

Don't feel sad for me. Feel something else. Translate that to positive emotions and vibes.
Negative feelings take up too much energy.

Goodnight.

The saddest thing to do is to shed tears on the pillow.

I always tell people never to go to sleep unhappy. I do it. I'm a hypocrite.

Melancholy, sweet melancholy.
I reach out for thee.

Damn i need to get out of this mood by 7pm tonight. Or else i'm screwed.
I've got this thing on that requires a lot of positive, loving, empathy vibes. Not sure if i'm there. Maybe half of me. My other half? Hmm.

Maybe this morning i shall cry. Just a little.

For when i have tears borne of sadness, fear, hurt, and depression
The darkness that envelopes me is all-pervasive
The creeping darkness that fills our hearts up
The vacuum whence once was what matters most.

Cry no more.

I've shed a great many tears in my life. I speak not of tears of joy, i refer to those of pain and darkness. So much pain, so many tears, so many wet bedsheets.

I will only have tears of joy.

I got a song in my head

..Life, goes on day after day...
...Each, in their own secret ways...

Ferry Across the Mersey, i believe.

So there.

Best washing powder : Kao Attack. For the price, it works well, and does not clot when in contact with water. Unlike some other brands. Not telling which. And the volume used is less. Ease of use, very good.

Best fabric softener : Comfort, Sunshine scent. Think it's called that, in the yellow container. Smells absolutely smashing especially after clothes have been well-sunned.

Best bath soap : Dettol Original. Have basically stopped using anything else. Protex comes close... but... I'm not saying i'm a messy sort!

... and toilet cleaners really smell the worst!

Amazingly domesticated, I am.

Bookstores are nice, especially the new generation of giant ones - Kinokuniya (hey i got it right) and MPH at MidValley (I swear i got lost there). Encouraging the reading habit is commendable. THE PRICES, on the other hand, is preposterous. One book I bought, priced at RM40, and 2 weeks later, the same book, being new stock i assume, was being sold at RM50. Ouch.

Errr... Where in frigging hell are schoolchildren going to find that kinda money?

Malaysia - free-wheeling, capitalist, profiteering. Oftentimes absurdly so. We are the land of multiple-distribution-channels! Long live that system.

My next book purchase : The Canterbury Tales, by Geoffrey Chaucer. Will elaborate after I'm done with it, which should be around 2005.

Strange fact for the day : At 5.45pm I was downloading pictures of strawberries.

I braved the storm-clouds and went for a cycle. I've loved cycling forever, since i learnt it sometime when i was 9. There's a sense of freedom, liberation, in being able to glide freely around. Something like driving and flying a plane i suppose? I stopped today's journey when i found i was breathing in more COx than oxygen and air.

I'm singing in the rain....

Man, it pours every evening these days. How the hell am i gonna get my dose of the outdoors? Don't expect me to get up at 6am and go round around in the dark... sounds like my bedtime lah, then. Or should i just be extreme about it, and go ride around in the storm anyways??!!! Cool.

I found out something about me today. The Thing That I Fear. Could be that thing called rejection. Which means i doom myself to failure at everything, right from the start. I hope not. Not this time. I know what I'll do - I'll take a deep breath and jump into the deep end of the swimming pool.

Which reminds me, I feel like going to the pool in the morning... Yippee!

The loveliest things in life come in small packages.

I know this 7-year old, his name's Aiman. I've got his picture in my wallet, where we'd usually find girlfriends' or wives' pictures. He's about 3 feet tall, has about the biggest smile anyone ever saw, and the greatest optimism and dose of happiness in anyone i ever met. Some of it might have been acquired from his mama. But God played a big part in making Aiman the lovely human being that he is.

I believe some of us discover the secrets to living earlier than others. This is one kid who was probably born with it, if we were to believe his mother. I met him about six months ago, and took an instant liking. I mean, what's there not to like? We became instant friends. Just like all who've met him and love him. I mean, everyone, in fact, without exception.

There is so much that I've learnt from him. The ability to share love. How to let the child in us out. Hey, we can't be forever be bitching about how life is so frigging bad, right. We gotta play sometime. All work and no play... How we need to goof off sometime. The little things we take for granted, like friendship... I love the way his eyes shine when I meet him. Now THAT's genuine.

For the good and the bad, dearest Aiman, do stay the beautiful person that you are. However tough the challenges might be, however difficult life may seem at times, always hold tight to the principles you possess now, and they will carry you through - Love, Intelligence, Empathy, Understanding, Caring.

Happy birthday, sweet Aiman. Thank you, Husna and Aiman, for letting me into your space. I will see you soon.

I survive. I still hurt all over. I can't walk in a straight line. I found small solace in buying meself a pair of brown shoes. This is a twice-a-decade thing. So yesterday was a milestone. And it's only cos my sneakers are still wet. After its trip into the washing machine. Man, the machine looked like cappuccino at that point, complete with bubbles / froth at the top, and all that mud i brought back from the jungle, making it all light brown and strangely yummy. There's peace to be had watching yer shoes going round in there.

AAARRGGGHHHH i hurt so bad! I somehow signed up for this Eco-Challenge thingy today. And, boy, i don't think i want to do this again, ever! I mean, it's fun lah, going up and down hills, jumping into rivers, running (or in my case, walking) long distances and the such. It's just TOO MUCH of a good thing.... ouch, pass me the Deep Heat...

At least the leeches didn't decide to attach themselves to me. I'm really really proud of my new scratches and bruises. And my much-abused pair of 'Boks - they survived the ordeal. And in gratitude i chucked it into the washing machine (got yours fixed, pf? don't misuse the machine, you know) together with all my EXTREMELY soiled clothes, and gave it the scrub of its life. I was always afraid these shoes won't last a wash... I hope this pair does...

At the end of the day... though my team finished close to last, I am really proud and happy that we made it through. It was teamwork all the way, and the four of us were together for the whole ordeal, unlike some others who left their team members walking through the wilderness alone and all that. I appreciated that a lot... mainly cos i was oftentimes the last one panting and struggling through!!! Hee Heee....

Enjoy your weekend. What's left of it. I'm going to.

Something's growing inside me like a cancer.
It's a gnawing emptiness.
I can feel it, centimetre by centrimetre, expanding inside me.
Is it a result of my life of decadence? I know not.
Somewhere along in my journey to this point in time
I've lost my conscience. I consciously got rid of it.
I just didn't like feeling guilty about stuff.
You know, the stuff that organised religion say is wrong.
I'm not going to elaborate.

Something about the drive tonight. A roundabout journey I did take.
Reflective of the bigger journey we're all on?
From KL centre, to Sri Hartamas, to Taman Melawati, then to Klang Lama (the home of the brave - who needs the US when we got OKR??? OKR homies, stand up and take a bow)
It is cold, being rainy and all.
I started thinking about black holes. And there's one in me.
Consuming all matter from within.
And those around me as well.
I assume I'm an OK sort of chap.
But I'm not.
The darkness I harbour. A few have seen. Never comprehending.
The contradiction that I am. That we all are.

Another thought came to mind. Of all the things:
Binary code.
0 1 0 1
Amazing that even in this high-tech age -
It all still boils down to 2 choices.
0 or 1
Yes or No
Light / Dark
White / Black
Good / Evil
Good / Bad
Day / Night
Yin / Yang
Love / Hate

It's the dualities and the contradictions.
Inside us.
The choices we make. The choices we don't make.
The opposing forces, energies pulling us in opposite directions.
Even Newton understood this.

What the fuck am i going on about?

It is cold, dark, and it is time for me to sleep.